It has recently come to my attention that I am a turtle. Not the hare or Bugs Bunny, but the slow, old, and green tortoise. I don’t mean literally that I have a green shell which I retreat into or that I have the ability to stretch my neck out to abnormal lengths, but in terms of life I am certainly the slow turtle. I never really paid much attention to the pace at which my life was moving, until I stopped, looked around, and realized that many lives around me were in fast forward… If I were to assign a song to their lives, I think it would be the music one hears after attaining a star in the Mario video games; you know which one I’m talking (typing)about, the one that sounds like a kid who just ate chocolate ice-cream and chased it with sugar water….and now their running in circles screaming. My life on the other hands seems like it sounds like this song on a mix CD one of my friends gave me, slow and mellow. Every time I hear this particular song I can’t help but remember a summer two, no three years ago when I was driving around a lake in my home town. I’m going to take the time to give a good description since I’m pretty positive it represents my life so well…
It was a warm night. The moon was full (I’m not really sure if it was or wasn’t, but I like the idea that it was) and my windows were rolled down just enough to hear the crickets and frogs’ late night music coming from the tall grass joints, their music jazzy and cool with all its low notes and bellows; and the ducks laughing together somewhere on the glass water huddled together beneath a leaning tree, drunk on the sweet air that was filled with honey suckle, sweet olive, and some other lazy scents that makes one’s eyes smile and then close. The road slithered and moved in delicious curves that seemed to rock me to dreams as I drove around the silver water; And that song played in perfect rhythm all the while to those humming toads and snazzy crickets, becoming a part of their singing and the duck’s laughing, and that mysterious silver moon swinging from side to side in that water until I could no longer tell what was music and what was life.
I really just got into writing that, I might extend that into a short fiction piece. Anyway, the point is, my life now, and in that moment, seemed to flow in this slow, yet steady way, even to the point that life harmonized perfectly with it. I’m not sure if you’ll understand just what I’m saying, being that it was a moment I experienced, and also, these are my very abstract yet somewhat tangible thoughts, but still, I’m sure it isn’t one of life’s unsolved mysteries. So, as I was saying, I’ve noticed that many lives seem to be in fast forward. For instance, many people I know, and who are either my age, younger, or even one year older (I’m 21) are now married, possibly with kids, and are pursuing a full time career. I can’t even begin to imagine my life in that stage. It isn’t that I don’t want a career or marriage or children, but my life isn’t moving in pace with their lives, so I just don’t expect those things any time soon. I’ve come to love the pace at which my life is moving. It seems that everything takes so much time, but when it comes along, it’s always perfect timing. I’m pretty sure you can refer to that as God’s will for me. For instance, I never put too much thought into which college to attend, but Auburn just seemed to show up just when it was needed. While others had already declared a major, I was still deciding. When it came time to decide between English and Nutrition, my advisor chose English, but after getting to Auburn, I didn’t feel a perfect peace with that, and so, now I’m doing a double degree in English and Nutrition/Dietetics, which once again took awhile but fell right into the puzzle that is my life. Also, I always hear people talking about their callings and what they want to do, and I’ve put lots or hours and little thought clouds into this, and only now do I really have an inkling of an idea of what I want to do with my life. First off, I’ve always wanted to do something that would glorify God, but secondly, I’ve just always wanted to do something more than expected or maybe adventurous…I’m not really sure which of the two, but I always hoped that my life would turn out like one of those classic romantics that entail adventure, loss, hope, and of course, extremely well written pieces of literature. Take Robinson Crusoe for instance; do I want to be shipwrecked on an island? No, but the thought of being in some distant land with my bare hands and mind excites me more than I can really say. Even reading biographies of people like Mother Teresa, an ordinary woman who did extraordinary things makes me that much thirstier for a life that drinks faith right out of God’s hands. Even now, I’ve slipped into that quixotic part of myself where my eyes glaze and I imagine wonderful things and wonderful places, broken people with wounded hearts, and the thought that maybe God would use me to offer them a tiny piece of a beautiful kingdom. Ok, let me pull my feet back down to earth and out of my mind so I can finish this blog without writing a novel. Recently, and I’ve always watch the commercials and wished that there was something I could do, and now, there is, I want to work with Feed the Children. I’m not sure if I want to work with them permanently, but I would love to intern with them over a summer or even a holiday for a few weeks. Finally, I can actually pursue what I really want to do with a legitimate degree. With Nutrition, I could go to Africa, and I really could be God’s hands feeding those in need, and taking care of those hurt and broken people…just what I want to do. Sigh, it makes me dizzy with happiness to think of how God seems to be leading me down this path to take me where my heart really desires to be. I once dreamed of going to Africa, and two summers ago, God took me there. Now I dream of working in Africa, and I can only imagine where God will take me. Perhaps I’ll never be able to work there and physically hand someone a bowl of food, but maybe God can use me here in the states to impact someone’s life thousands of miles away.
In summary, I suppose I’m just really satisfied right now. I can’t see the whole picture yet, but God has given me some lines and some crayons, and as time unfolds, I guess this picture that I’m coloring, which is my life, will one day be finished. I just hope in the end I can look back and say….what a beautiful picture.
