The Cold War

Tissues. Empty glasses of water lying around. My pink nose. My disappearing voice. Laughing at the funny impersonations having a hoarse voice allows me to do. Sore throat the next day from doing funny impersonations.

Cold is just a guest. No bother. He comes and goes every now and then, and I guess if he takes a bath he leaves the water running, which would explain the watery eyes and nose. He also has a tendency to light fires in my throat to keep himself warm at night, but it’s nothing I can’t put out with a little glass of cold water. I’ve heard he likes to dress up like a girl, and put on high heels and boas; though, it must be true because I think I can feel the feathers tickling in my nose…so I keep sneezing. But no bother, he only visits me once or twice a year, so I expect these things, and I usually don’t pay him any attention at all.

That is until he falls asleep. I figure he sleeps when I sleep because that’s when it happens. I lay my head down on the pillow, and all of a sudden, I can’t breathe. I’m not one of those people who has the ability to sleep with my mouth open: My mouth doesn’t just keep itself open, I keep my mouth open, and when I fall asleep…my mouth closes and I wake up in a fit of gasping and coughing. Clearly, not being able to breathe through my nose is a problem. I wonder over this phenonemon every time Cold comes to stay, and I try to go to sleep, only to find, just then- when I want to sleep- I can’t breathe. I’ve come to the conclusion that Cold spends the night in my nose, which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I suppose when my head is horizontal and not vertical, he rolls over and blocks the air passage, making it impossible for me to breathe.

In the past, I’ve propped my mouth open with a thumb, and this was not sucking my thumb…it was strategic maneuvering to prevent my mouth from closing after I fell asleep, therefore, insuring that I don’t wake up by Cold suffocating me. But last night, I happened to see a bottle of Dayquil. I read on the label, multi cold symptom relief. I knew, of course, this would not cure my cold, and though my throat no longer hurt, my eyes no longer watered, and the majority of Cold’s things had been packed and he was ready to go, I figured I could do without the stuffiness while I slept. I figured, hey, I’ll take this here Dayquil, and Cold can go sleep somewhere else, and I can breathe through my nose tonight.

The Cold war had begun.

I have never been one to fight Cold. I can’t help it if he shows up, he’s really stubborn and I’m aware that I can’t just make him leave. Doctor’s can’t even make him leave. So, I always just deal. Last night’s decision to take Dayquil is the first attack in a very, very long time that I’ve had on Cold. Boy did it backfire.

There it was. 30 ml. Orange. Almost transparent. Thick like syrup. Sitting on the counter. It had been years, and when I say years, definitely more than 10 since I’ve had cough syrup or anything of that nature. At my house, we accept Cold and just continue on with our lives, so I had forgotten the horrors of Dayquil. But something in me didn’t forget, because I couldn’t make myself drink it. I thought it was silly, or course, but when I picked up that little cup, my hand shook, I think I broke out in sweat, little child-me somewhere was freaking out…I pushed this gut feeling I had away and brought the cup to my mouth and swallowed….coughed, choked, gagged, screamed….

Maybe I was over dramatic but terrible is such an understatement. I could feel large clumps of goo roll lazily down my throat. It had this overwhelming taste, almost similar to a cough drop…but not delightful at all like a cough drop. And what’s worse is that it had this cool, minty affect that opened my noses so that I could taste it even more. And it clung to my tongue, and the inside walls of my cheeks, my uvula, and my esophagus…I imagine if I had looked in my mouth and down my pharynx there would have been orange slime all the way down. It was like somewhere, in some demented Candy land, an evil orange jolly rancher was melted and given to the human race as punishment for eating their candy…so, so cruel.

The cup was half-full. Definitely not half-empty. I cowered from it. I Talked with myself, debated with myself, threw my hands into the air like a five year old and jumped up and down in absolute defiance. But I knew I had to finish it. In short, I attempted to recreate the I-can’t-breathe-situation in my nose, and then drink it without smelling it….but that didn’t work. The whole time it’s like I was trying to gulp it down quickly, but it had little arms clinging to my tongue, refusing to go down, and so, it seemed like I wasn’t swallowing it at all…it was just floating about in my mouth. Finally, I threw my head back, yelling, and shuddered when it was all over.

I gulped down sweet tea. I walked upstairs. I thought I was going to be sick. Really, I could have thrown up…and I realized that I will NEVER take Dayquil ever again. Cold is much kinder than that.

So here it is, Cold isn’t that bad….but Dayquil, “the help,” is pure evil. Don’t let that fun, tangy orange color deceive you…or that off minty smell. It’s only a front to cover its ugliness with. An ugliness that will take it’s time as it slides down your throat and into your stomach where, even there, you can feel it cackle.

Call Me Gomer

Faithfulness. Dictionary.reference. com would say faithfullness is: steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant. I don’t know about you, but I’m none of those things. I’m about as constant as 60 watt light bulb; sure I shine real bright for several weeks, but one day, you go to turn me on and I just break…

it doesn’t matter if in my little glassy heart I really want to keep on shining for you, because eventually, it is in my nature to give in and burn out.

I wouldn’t say I’m always steady in allegiance or affection either, if I were, I wouldn’t be a sinner and I wouldn’t have given God the icy shoulder in the first place….because I would have been steady in allegiance or affection.

Here’s the thing.

Because I’m human, I have a short warranty for faithfulness.

Because I will tend to wander, I’ll tend to burn out, burn up, or not burn at all…I’ll just stop being faithful- even if I want to be faithful- for some reason, I’ll still end up neglecting God. I find myself in the same situation Paul found himself in:

“For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very things I hate….So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” Romans 7:14-15;18

Here’s the problem….no matter how hard I want to be faithful, I CAN’T be faithful because I have this ugly thing dwelling in my soul called sin, and it doesn’t matter how often I pray or how often I memorize bible verses, it will ALWAYS be there, and THAT is why I can never be completely faithful all of the time

…because sin is not faithful, it’s unfaithful…

which would explain why, without Christ, we’re as good as dead, because left to ourselves, we’re all wrath, and darkness…and sin. At least, it seems, in my own life, that’s all I am when I separate myself from God…I’m all bitter, and dark, and well, ugly.

So I’ve come to the realization that I am unfaithful. It shouldn’t be shocking to me. Sunday School teachers have been teaching me since I could say “Jesus” that I’m a sinner. I guess I didn’t think that meant that I would look God in the face, and by my actions, or lack-of, I would say “I don’t love you,” and walk away. But isn’t that what I’ve been doing all this time? Being bitter or angry with Him because I can’t see His plan, so I try to make my own plans, draw my own escape clause, and in the process of, I’ve said in my heart, “God, I don’t love you enough right now to be faithful, so I’m walking away….”

And what did/does God do?

“She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but not find them. Then she shall say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then that now.’ And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal. Therefore, I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness. Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand…..And I will punish her for the feast days of the Baals

When she went with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers, and forgot about me, declares the Lord” Hosea 2: 7-10; 13

That entire passage makes my heart drop every time I read it, because I feel like I’m reading about myself. I keep waiting for my clothes and the food in the pantry to disappear: I keep waiting to find myself completely abandoned. But aren’t I already? If I’m not choosing God, my first love, and am instead running after the lovers of the world, haven’t I already put myself out in the desert to die? I think (I think means this is solely my interpretation) God isn’t pointing out that He just provided Gomer with stuff; I think he’s pointing out that he gave Gomer life. He was her first love, her savior, her bridegroom…he was the center of everything her life revolved around. And she wasted it on vanity, pride, stubbornness, bitterness….other men. She gave the life God intended for her to have and threw it to the wind.

And here’s the thing, if left on her own, Gomer- who too is a human, and thus has that ugly sin snoozing in her soul- would never have turned back to God.

“As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Romans 3:10-12

None of us will ever choose God, because none of us will ever be able to defy that sinful nature that is in us to turn away. We will always choose ourselves: our pride, our comfort, our family, our hearts. Because we are not faithful creatures, we are sinful creatures, and God knows this….and though it would seem He would let us wander, as 2 Timonthy 13 says, “if we are faithless, he remains faithful.” Why? It’s who He is. We are unfaithful…God is not.

When God was removing Gomer’s lovers (her vanity, worldly comforts, pride) He was making her naked, but I don’t think in a literal context, I think He was breaking her down so that there was nothing between her and God. I think He was making her as vulnerable as He could. He knew left with those lovers, she wouldn’t turn back, so He took them away, so that all she would have left would be the Lord. Painful? Yes. Affective? Very much so.

By removing the other lovers from Gomer/my life, God removes the distractions, the lies, the counterfeit: All that is left is my obvious weakness and his greatness, his love and my whore-like ways, his compassion and my overwhelming need for him to continue to love me and to teach me His faithfulness.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her vineyards and make the Valley of Anchor (anchor means trouble) a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me, ‘My Husband,’…..And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy…

I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.” Hosea 2:14-16;19-20

The Lord lead Gomer into the wilderness, and in the wilderness, when all the rest of the world was put aside, he allured her, and spoke tenderly to her…he loved her. He made her bare, vulnerable, and broke her down, just so she could hear Him when He called to her. It seems drastic, a bit complicated, but it worked. And if you look at your own life, I’m sure the moments you heard the Lord the loudest and clearest is just after you hit rock bottom, and do you want to know why you hit rock bottom? Because the Lord had to get your attention so He could show you your unfaithfulness, and remind you that He’s your first love, and He could remind you that though you may be unfaithful, He has enough faithfulness for the both of you.

So here it is. I am unfaithful because I’m a sinner. I have a black splotch somewhere on my soul that even bleach can’t remove. I’m selfish, impatient, and I too often consider myself deserving of God’s blessings, and thus , believe at time that I must be faithful to receive such gifts, when all along, I’m really unfaithful; God just loves me enough to break down my hard heart, make me vulnerable, and drag me into the wilderness, so that after He’s reminded me of His love for me, and my true human nature ;instead of feeling worthless, disobedient, and the whore that I really am, I’m reminded that I am just human, He is God, and He’ll never give up on me...

He’ll never abandon me, and He’ll never hate me for my unfaithful tendencies. He’ll just keep pulling me out of the muck I throw myself into, and all the while, ready again to betroth Himself to me forever, in faithfulness, love, and mercy.