There are two types of people: those who need human contact, and those who can go without. I am of the second type. I am perfectly content to see my friends in class, have lunch with them, text someone here or there, go home and have a deep conversation with my roommate, and then close my door to my guitar, books, piano, or journals.
I suppose this is a flaw of mine, except I never really noticed it as a flaw…that is until people who know me wondered if I was dead. This was concerning to me. So, just for the record, I’m not dead…I’m just preoccupied with books, and blogs, and running, and macronutrients, and you know, this little thing called self discovery.
Which get’s to a second flaw of mine: I tend to disappear when I’m thinking things through. You may run to your bff or mom, or maybe you go hang out with a whole group and discuss what it is your thinking, not me. I like to take long, quiet walks; I like to hold the world at arm’s length until I get it all figured out. And when I do, poof, I’m back…and though I won’t seem different to most, I feel different: I feel new, I feel light, I feel, well, I feel I’ve gotten things figured out.
I get this from my dad. My mom is a “people” person, and though I adore my friends and I enjoy conversations and I enjoy being with my friends, I don’t rely on them. I don’t feel I need them. I guess, if I were on a deserted island, I’d sit back, relax, and entertain myself until someone arrived, I wouldn’t go mad from the lack of social activity.
I’ve realized these are flaws because not everyone is a “close the door in contentment” sort of person, so when I disappear, I neglect my friendships, and it is something I’ve recently become aware of that I need to work on. I need to be a better friend, more present, and more reliable. So, to all of those friends who thought I died, I didn’t die, I’m here, and I want to be more here in the future. And if you want to take a long, quiet walk with me, I’ll let you come along. Please, just remind me, and I’ll spend time with you.
For the past three months or so, I’ve held everything at a distance; I’ve just really been thinking about the Lord: who he is to me, what he is to me, and where I fit in. And somewhere along the way of figuring Him out, I figured me out. I mean really, for the first time, I know who Martha Lee Anne is. And I can’t even put into words what it feels like to be sitting in my own skin, to really know who I am: at this moment, even my flaws are looking beautiful.
I just keep thinking, “the Lord is so good to me.” I needed space, I needed time to think, and He never walked away from me. I walked into the dark on purpose, and He still held my hand. I know I don’t know enough scripture by heart, I know I don’t pray enough, I know I am a terrible example of what it means to be faithful, I know I am so lacking in faith, and I know I am so lacking in so, so much more, and I wonder all of the time why He’s still holding my hand. But even so, I really, really love the Lord, and it isn’t for these blessings I’ve received, and it isn’t for His pretty words, it’s for this unconditional love he is so willing to bestow on me every day.
The most I can hope for is that His love changes, I know this. I’m a very different person today then I was three months ago, and a much different person than I was 6 or 7 years ago, and I pray, a different person 3 years from now. I want to know Him more, I want to visit with Him more, and I want to give Him more.
I’ve just come to the realization that I couldn’t tear the Lord away from me if I tried, because He is so much of who I am. If I lose him, well, I lose myself. If I find Him, I find myself.
beautiful
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