Consider This

It takes 468 licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop. And yes, I spent a night intermittently licking a tootsie pop and watching American idol to find this answer…because I was tired of thinking, “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop”…so I answered it. 468. Done.

Today I was driving home, and at some point- maybe I was paying too much attention to the words of a song, or the sun coming through the front windshield- but I noticed I had drifted over a little towards the side of the road. No biggie. And then I started to imagine all sorts of scenarios: a tire going flat, and me flipping over off the side of the road; a car hitting the side of my car, sending me flipping off the side of the road; the 18 wheeler I just passed rear ending me, and sending me off the side of the road, but mostly I just thought about what if my little drifting a few seconds before had turned into me flipping off of the road. I wondered if I’d die instantly. But more than dying, I thought about the minutes before: The sun on my blue dress, making the cotton warm; the words of the song I was singing; my hands tapping on the steering wheel; the flashes of purple blossoms on the side of the road; the cars moving between each other; my passenger window that whistles because of the wind; the little cross hanging from my rear view mirror swinging side to side, and at times knocking against the necklace from Malawi.

I was thinking that if I had died right then, it would have been perfect. I was so caught up in the song, and the sun, and singing, and playing seatbelt air guitar, that if I had crashed and died instantly, the last thing I would have remembered would be this perfect moment that I was having. I didn’t think so much about the pain of it- the crash and burn- the fire, the crunching of metal, and breaking of glass…I just thought of it like a flash of bright light, and purple flowers, and the sun…and it would be over. Thinking about it like that, I hoped that when I die- one day for from now- it could be beautiful like that: I could be so distracted by a perfect moment that I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes away from it to even notice death approaching.

Then, I thought about my family. I thought about my friends. And I felt sorry for them, mostly because I knew that their experience and mine would have been two different things. They would remember the crunching, and breaking, and squealing tires. They’d remember the pain of it. And I felt sorry, because if I had drifted too far today, and if I had flipped, and If I had ended in one second, they would never know how happy I was the second before. They wouldn’t have known about the sun, and the tapping, and the cross swinging from side to side; they wouldn’t have known I was laughing, and singing, and thinking about them. They wouldn’t have known how quickly a few seconds or even minutes are. I kept thinking, “if I died right now,” they wouldn’t know what I felt, or thought. Because I had died…they would have only thought about the dying, not the living the few seconds before, and without considering the seconds before, they could never have imagined it being a beautiful ending.

I guess in summary I wondered how many people have had beautiful moments like mine today, but they did flip, and they did crash, and their life did end in a flash. I wondered if they smiled before the glass broke, and if Dave Mathews was singing when the tires lost touch with the road, and if they were so caught up in the moment, that even when the car flipped, they still had not begun to realize what was happening, and before they could- before they could cry, or be afraid, or care- it was over. And their loved one’s had no idea how perfect their life was just before it happened, and how quickly it ended, and they’ll never know, because the memory is gone.

So, if I ever go before you think it’s my time,I guess I’d like you to think that I had a perfect moment just before, and that I was so caught up in it, that I didn’t have time to be afraid, or to scream, or to care, and I had slipped away as easily as one slips into sleep.I’d like you to think of the smiles, and the songs, and the warm sun with me.

I consider a lot in long drives.