Dear little sailboat,

I wrote this letter for a dear friend, but I think it's for you too...


Dear little sailboat,

            Listen to the song, "When I'm With You" be Ben Rector:

I go crazy sometimes,

can you believe it?

Yeah, I swear I'm fine, that I'm alright,

But I'm barely breathing.
 

Thought I could find my way back home,

But I get lost alone.
 

But when I'm with you, I know I'm wanted

And when I'm with you, I swear I can breathe

And when I'm with you,

I know who I am, and who I want to be

 

I'm not trying to be dramatic, no;

Most times, I'm pretty normal

Oh, let's be clear and honest here,
And do away with anything formal,

 

I can fake it on my own,

But I am lost alone

 

You're not crazy, or dramatic- you're a human with a heart. But not "just a heart." You have a chest in your chest that was made to be filled with beautiful things: love, friendships, peace, joy, Christ.

 

Longing for those things is like longing for the best Christ wants for you. So, I endorse it.

 

When you're satisfied, you don't step out of the box. When you're not hungry, food just isn't as good. When you're not crazy, the world isn't crazy either, and as scary and uncomfortable or as unsettling as "being crazy" is, there's something rather beautiful about it.

 

It's like when you were a kid, and you learned to color within the lines. Coloring in the lines was the goal, but instead, you colored all over the place, and you were happy doing it, too. And you used all of the "wrong" colors, but do you remember what happened when your craziness and doing it "all wrong," was finished? Your teacher hung in in the wall, and your mom or day taped it to the refrigerator like being crazy and wrong was beautiful. Like it was something worth keeping.

 

Do you remember when "doing it all wrong," was alright. 

 

I go crazy all the time. I'm really embarrassed about when it happens like when I get mustard or salad dressing on my shirt, in all the awkward places, or when I drop my calculator multiple times in the cashier line at work with a bunch of people behind me.

 

I try very hardtop keep my crazy under wraps, But -honestly- when I see other people's crazy. I get it.

 

yOu wanted to be Loved you miSs yOUr dad or your FRIiend you miss wHo you WerE whEn YOU were tWelVe you lOst your keys on the dAY of an intERview or worKk you yelled at your friend for eating your last piece of your mom's homemade cake SOMEONE LET YOU down or said the wrong thing or FORGOT and you reACTted you threw things...A mess, an absolute mess.

  

And you go crazy. You turn into one of those balls of yarn that's all tangled and weird and "no one wants to mess with." You say a lot of things, really crazy things. Your face turns red, and you get messy. Real messy. But you write me, you hug me with your words, you reach outside of your box. You go to a coffee shop to be alone, you gravitate to only the best books and music. You look for a hand to hold, another heart to trust, you say sorry, you try to make sense of how you went crazy, and what just happened.

 

And then, this happens:

 

You put the dots together and learn something you didn't know before. You overcome what you thought you didn't, you learn to be patient, to say "sorry", or "I love you too." You get under your friends' (who you let in to your crazy) skin.
 

You become this really crazy picture that I want to frame and hang on my refrigerator. 

 

If I'm honest, not being crazy makes me feel better about myself, but the times I've gone crazy are the times I actually remember, and the great things that came with "going there."

 

If I'm really honest, I'm not who I am right now because I had all, or even some, of the answers, or I had the best relationship with Jesus, or I stayed on the sidewalk.

 

I'm who I am now because I accidently went crazy and stepped off the sidewalk, and I asked too many questions, I found other crazy people, and I found who Jesus is versus who I imagined Him to be (I'm still doing that..all of the time). I was the sailboat in Ben Rector's song:

 

I feel just like a sailboat,

I don't know where I'm headed

But you can't make the wind blow from a sailboat

 

I have seen the sun,

Felt the rain on my skin

I've been lost and found, but mostly I've been waiting

 

Oh, I'm out in the waves

I'm hoping and praying, "Please let the wind blow me home,"

Night after night, there's an empty horizon,

And my God do I feel so alone

Sometimes life, most times, I feel like a sailboat

 

.....The only change I see

Lost or found, Let's see

The only difference is believing I'll make it in

  

We weren't made to sit safely on a shore, or tied to a pier. We go crazy because we were built with wild heart, not tamed ones. I think God has a wild heart too, I  mean have you been outside today?

 

And they need to search, to ask questions, and to feel lonely because only then will you become and change, and find love and friendships and family, and Jesus, and  most of all:

 

Who Jesus made you to be.
 

 So lovely, go crazy.
 

Go crazy, and write me all about the beautiful things you learn about forgiveness, sorrow, mercy, grace, and losing your temper. Tell me what you learn about your heart, and your soul: who you want to be, and about who you are. Write me about the terrible things you've done, and how Jesus forgave them. Tell me about the terrible things in this world, and all of the things you're looking forward to in the next. Tell me about being sanctified and redeemed. Tell me about the moment you realized you're really forgiven, and the realization of Him loving you that much was more than you could stand, but you let Him anyway. Tell me how you learned to love your body and all of the amazing things it can do. Tell me what it felt like when your broken heart was healed...

  

Tell me all about the great, big world you found out there you crazy, little sailboat

 

 

love you so much,

Martha Lee Anne